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FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, 18 Vesey St., N. Y. 



ALICE'S BLIGHTED 
PROFESSION 



A Sketch for Girls 

By 

HELEN C. CLIFFOED 



Copyright, 1919, By 
FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

SUCCESSOR TO 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Vesey Street New York City, N. Y. 



ALICE'S BLIGHTED 
PROFESSION 

CHARACTERS 

Alice A young lawyer 

Diana A fashionably dressed society woman 

Bell A nervous charity worker 

Miss Johnickstoner A nervous stenographer 

Miss Chickenfencer A vivacious stenographer 

Mrs. Baxter .A haughty society woman 

Miss Worker A pray erf id salvation-army lassie 

Mary .An excitable suffragette 

Time. — To-day. Locality. — New York City. 

Time of Playing. — 50 minutes. 

Curtain is dropped between Scene I and II for a few 
minutes to denote lapse of time. 

COSTUMES 

Appropriate to the character portrayed. 



JUL 2b '919 
QCVJ 52283 



Alice's Blighted Profession 

Scene. — A modern business office. Center door, desk in 
center covered witJi paper and letters; four office 
chaws, telephone, rug, etc., as may be available. 
DISCOVERED : Alice seated at desk. 

ENTER, c.d., Diana. 

Diana. Well, Alice Berning, what do you mean by 
being indoors on such a beautiful day? Come, put on 
your wraps, my machine is 

Alice. Diana, you are a regular steam engine. No, 
I cannot accept your kind invitation to go for a spin. 

Diana. Do you know what brought me here to-day? 
It was to ask you to accompany us on our tour through 
the north next week. (Sits on arm of Alice's cliair) 
There's a dear. Say you will come. Why, you cannot 
imagine how disappointed Jack and I will be, not men- 
tioning all our other guests, if you refuse. 

Alice. Really, Diana, I am very sorry to have to re- 
fuse. But I simply cannot go. Why, look at all this 
correspondence and no one but myself to answer it. 

Diana. Why don't you get a stenographer? Why 
not advertise? 

Alice. Oh, I've done that — I advertised for a stenog- 
rapher, and, would you believe it, when I came down 
this morning there were at least twenty-five applicants 
outside my door clamoring to get in. 

Diana. And how did you get rid of them ? 

Alice. I interviewed each one separately, but found 
not one qualified to do my work. I verily believe if I 
encounter another applicant like any of my last ones 
I ' shall close up shop and bury myself in the woods. 
(Woe-begone look) 

Diana (fingering cards and papers on desk). Alice 

3 



4 Alice's Blighted Profession 

Marie Jenkins Berning, what does this mean? Why 
there isn't anything on these so-called letters but mean- 
ingless words. Since when did Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Courld, 
Mr. Montemout and all these other society favorites be- 
come your clients? Ah-ah — the plot thickens — so Dick 
has; been consulting you, too? I suppose he wishes to 
sue for a separation or something like that. (Cries 
ivildly) Oh dear, oh dear! 

Alice. Diana, if you do not stop that nonsense you 
will spoil my practice. "What will my clients think if 
they should come in and see you carrying on so ? 

Diana (sobs). Oh, but my husband; to think he has 
deceived me so. Oh dear, oh dear ! 

Alice. For goodness sake, stop ! And how unlucky 
you should find out the real state of affairs. 

Diana (brightly). Come now, own up. You haven't 
had a client since you started, and these papers are 
only pretenses so that a promising client might think 
you prosperous. 

Alice (siglis). Well, I might as well own up. I cer- 
tainly have had bad luck ; but, never mind, my luck will 
change. 

Diana. Ah, dearie, when will you learn your lesson ? 
You were never meant to battle and worry like this, 
and 

Alice. I am not 

Diana (places hand over Alice's mouth). Now there, 
please do not interrupt me. Of course you are worry- 
ing; why there are tiny wrinkles forming across your 
brow, and before you know it your mouth will become a 
straight line and the sparkle will disappear from your 
dear eyes. Now come — give up this silly fad. 

Alice. Can't. When I started this, everyone was 
against me, especially father and Tom, and now that 
I've started I shall continue. But how I do wish for 
better business, and also for an office assistant. 

Diana. Well, (Walks toward c.dJ I've got a date 
with the dressmaker. I'm sorry you are so firm about 
this thing. Well, good-bye and good luck. 

[EXIT c.d. 



Alice's Blighted Profession 5 

Alice. Well, it could not be avoided, (Rearranges 
papers) but I will not give it up. Why, I'm stationed 
here a month and not a client yet. (Listens) I do be- 
lieve someone is coming toward this office. I must put 
on a business air. (Tlirougli telephone; makes sure it 
does not ring) Yes, I know — but you see business is so 
rushed now. ("ENTER c.d. Bell,) Well, I might con- 
sider it. Just a minute, please. (To Bell,) Just be 
seated a minute, please. (Tlirougli telephone) As I was 
saying, I cannot consider it below $5,000. . . . What's 
that? ... I'm sorry, but my advice is always worth 
that. . . . No, not a cent less. . . . 

Bell. I beg your 

Alice (waves Bell to silence; continues tlirougli tele- 
phone). No, I cannot spare time now. . . . Yes, come 
over to-morrow. . . . Oh, about this time. . . . Good 
day. (Writes) 

Bell. But I say 

Alice. Just a minute, please, and then I '11 attend to 
you. (Writes, blots, folds) Well, madam, what can I 
do for you? 

Bell. Well — I — I — jus-t — just 

Alice. Please, my time is valuable. 

Bell. I just wanted to know if — if — you would con- 
tribute to the home for disabled animals? 

Alice (gasps). No, madam, I am not interested — in — 
animals. Good-day. ("EXIT Bell, nervously, c.d J 
Well, of all the nerve ! And all that energy wasted. 
ENTER Miss Johnickstoner, c.d. 

Alice. Well? 

Miss Johnickstoner. I — I — came — in — answer to 
your advertisement. 

Alice. Take a seat, please. Now write your name 
and address. (Miss Johnickstoner writes name) Well, 
Miss Johnickstoner, what is your average speed in 
stenography ? 

Miss John. I — I — don 't — do — not — know. 

Alice. Well, try. (Dictates) Dear Sir: We are in 
receipt of your favor of the 9th inst. Now with reference 
to your claim that (Miss Johnickstoner brings 



6 Alice's Blighted Profession 

handkerchief to face; sobs) My dear — eh — Miss, what is 
the trouble? 

Miss John. I didn 't get the word after receipt. 

Alice. We'll try again. Ready? (Dictates) Dear 
Sir: We are in receipt of your favor of the 9th inst. 

Now with reference to your ( Miss Johnickstoner 

stops; looks up at Alice; sobs) What now? 

Miss John. My point broke. 

Alice. Here's another. We'll continue now. (Dic- 
tates) — claim I would suggest that you would let it 

drop for the present. You know (Long wail from 

Miss JohnickstonerJ Now this — is — too — bad. What 
is it this time? 

Miss John. I don't (Sobs) think I li-ke this work. 

Alice. Oh ! 

Miss John. I think I '11 be going — now — — Mamma 
— is waiting — for me — outside. [EXIT c.d. 

Alice. Ah, the poor little darling and her Mamma 
waiting for her. Ugh! 

ENTER Miss Chickenfencer, c.d. 

Miss Chickenfencer. I believe I'm in the right 
place. I came in answer to your advertisement. 

Alice. Yes ? Now, before we begin, are you addicted 
to crying? 

Miss Chicken (takes small powder puff from handbag; 
powders nose). What a funny question. Well, you see, 
if the story is really sad, I shed a few tears. You know, 
the kind (Dramatically) where they are just about to be 
married, when he receives a letter from his father com- 
manding him to come home — he goes but she remains; 
day by day she longs for him, and gradually fades away 
— and — just as she — is dying — her — long-lost — lost 

Alice. I'm sorry, but really 

Miss Chicken. Oh, that's all right; I was almost 
finished anyway. (Looks around office) Say, I kind-a 
like this place. What are the wages? 

Alice. I start at $20. 

Miss Chicken. $20? Well — I might consider it. 
What am I required to do? 



Alice's Blighted Profession 7 

Alice. I suppose you can take dictation, also answer 
the telephone when I 'm not here. 

Miss Chicken. You bet I can. You should have 

Alice. I'll dictate a little to you now. 

Miss Chicken. Very well. Fire away. 

Alice (dictates). Dear Sir: We are in receipt of 
your 

Miss Chicken. Isn 't it funny ? Now at my last place, 
the boss said that word just like you, and because I cor- 
rected him he was furious. 

Alice. To which word do you refer? 

Miss Chicken. Why, you said receipt instead of 
recipe. 

Alice. I prefer saying receipt. We shall continue 
now — (Dictates) — letter of the 6th inst. The claim you 
mentioned in your letter is one that will be hard to 
tackle. 

Miss Chicken. Good gracious, I'm stuck. Say, how 
do you write that word? (Thinks) Oh, never mind, I 
know. 

Alice. You know that many of my clients have had 
similar cases, but I have had to refuse to take them. 
Although I would like to take your case I am afraid — 
( Miss Chickenfencer throws pencil down) — that I shall 

have to (To Miss ChickenfencerJ Why are you 

not writing ? 

Miss Chicken. Goodness! you are a regular steam 
engine. Say, would you mind if I took off my coat and 
hat. I'm sure we'll become real intimate — (Powders 
nose) — and you sitting there all that time and not telling 
me that my nose was shiny. 

Alice. Are you finished? I hate to disturb vou, 
Mi 

Miss Chicken. Oh, that's all right. Just a minute 
until I fix this dip. Say, isn't it awful when you wash 
~our hair. I can't do a thing with mine. Now I have 
a friend whose hair is so 

Alice. Eeally you must excuse me, but would you 
mind reading the letter as far as you have gone? 



8 Alice's Blighted Profession 

Miss Chicken. Certainly not. Here goes. (Reads) 
We are in recipe 

Alice. Receipt. 

Miss Chicken. — of your favor of the 6th inst. The 
clam 

Alice. The what ? 

Miss Chicken. Clam. 

Alice. Oh ! ! Claim. 

Miss Chicken. Oh, of course. (Giggles) How stupid 
of me. (Beads) — you mentioned in your letter is one 
that will be hard to tickle 

Alice. Oh, lor 

Miss Chicken. You know that many of my giants — — 
(Telephone rings) 

Alice (through 'phone). Hello — yes — who? — Miss 
Chickenf encer ? — Why no, there is 

Miss Chicken. Hold on there. That's for me. 
(Through 'phone) Hello — Oh, it is you, Bob? Yes, I 
met him on Wall Street and told him where I was bound 
for. Go on ! What are you trying to do ? Oh. Bob stop. 
You know I did not. ... I say I did not. 

Alice. My dear Miss 

Miss Chicken (ivaves Alice to silence). That will be 
great. Oh, that's all right; this woman here is a perfect 
dear. I know she won't mind my taking this afternoon 
off. 

Alice. Well of all the nerve. 

Miss Chicken. Well, about two o'clock? Very well 
— good-bye. (Hangs up receiver) Isn't he the sport? 
You should see him. Six feet two ; dark eyes and hair ; 
dances divinely, and, talk about giving you a good time, 
he is right there. How fortunate I am to have him ask 
me to-day when I was feeling so bored with being in- 
doors — and, oh, the dance afterwards. Whew! Oh, I 
could hug you to death, you old dear, to let me off like 
this to enjoy myself. (Dances around stage) Some- 
thing great is going to happen to-day. I feel it. Just 
think, first I am employed here, and now Bob is going 
to take me out 

Alice. I 'm sorry, that 



Alice's Blighted Profession g 

Miss Chicken. There, there, all right. I know you're 
going to say you are so sorry that it is not a nicer day. 
Oh, but we do not mind the weather in the least. (Looks 
in mirror) Goodness ! this mirror is too small. Tell me, 
is my hat on at the right angle? Oh, I guess it is all 
right. (Walks to door) I'll see you to-morrow at 10 
o'clock. That's the time, is it not? 

Alice. My dear young lady, you need not come back 
at 

Miss Chicken. You are too kind hearted. And I 
never take advantage of kindness. Of course I'll come 
back to-morrow. You were just going to say I need not 
come back until to-morrow afternoon. The idea, leaving 
you to answer all this correspondence. (Looks at watch) 
Good gracious, I must be off. It's half -past one. Now 
don't work too hard. Good-bye ! [EXIT c.d. 

("Alice, overcome, sinks in chair; throws up hands) 

CURTAIN 



io Alice's Blighted Profession 

Scene II : — Same as Scene I. 

Alice. Well, if that Miss Chickenfencer comes back 
I shall have to send for the police reserves to take her 
away. Of all the people I've ever met she is the limit. 

Can you imagine anyone being so {'Phone rings) 

Hello — Yes — Here I am on the wire. . . . Who is this? 
Oh, Miss Chickenfencer. . . . What's that? Yon 11 be 
back when? . . . Speak louder, please. . . . Oh, good 
gracious, don't scream. . . . Oh, you won't come back. 
(Aside) Thank the Lord! (Through 'phone) Very 
well — I am sure you will be happy. . . . Yes, he also. 
(Aside) God help the poor man. (Through 'phone) 

I 'm busy now (Lays receiver down; picks up pen; 

writes; takes up receiver) Good-bye. I was just in 
time to bid her good-bye. I wonder what she was saying 
all that time, and she just married? 

ENTER c.d. Miss Prune ("Diana disguised). 

Alice. Hello, what have we here? 

Miss Prune. Pardon, madame. (Bows low) I be 
lieve I have the pleasure to address the young lady 
advertising for a stenographer. 

Alice (aside). I'm in for it again. I suppose this is 
the applicant. (To Miss Prune j Yes, I have the pain- 
ful privilege to inform you that before you is the woman 
who is in sore need of a helping hand. 

Miss Prune. May I be seated? 

Alice. Certainly. 

Miss Prune. I wonder what good fortune directed 
my steps towards you. You see I was between two minds 
(Sews) whether to accept this position 

Alice (aside). She is mine already. 

Miss Prune. . . — or whether to take that of a secretary 
to a young man. But I said to myself, if there is a 
woman, noble and upright enough to earn her own living 
without depending on mere man, it is my duty as one of 
her sex to plod along with her in her courageous career. 
So I refused the other position and came I to thee. 

Alice. But, my dear madam, I am afraid you did a 






Alice's Blighted Profession li 

foolish thing. Know yon not that a secretary's position 
pays better than that of an office assistant? The latter 
is all I require. 

Miss Prune. When you speak like that to me, you 
make the tears of sorrow gush forth from my eyes. 
(Applies handkerchief to eyes; Alice smiles) Do you 
think money is the only thing worth while? Ah, no! 
(Stands; very dramatically) I care nothing for money. 
It is to help to do something noble that I crave. (Hand 
over heart) It is here, here, that I feel that there will 
come a day when my name, Dewdrop Mehitable Prune, 
shall tremble on every lip. I shall be honored and 
obeyed. And (To Alice J why will I be distinguished 
and honored? Because of my noble nature and willing 
ways. I should shrink from taking one penny of yours 
to pay me for services rendered you in your hour of 
need. 

Alice. I am afraid, then, that you have come to the 
wrong party. I am not great enough myself, never 
mind enabling you to attain your noble heights. 

Miss Prune. Say no more about it. Here I am, and 
here I intend staying. Pay me what you will; but I 
shall continue to maintain this lofty position. 

Alice (aside). I fear she is crazy, but, I believe, 
harmless. (To Miss Prune J Would you mind if I 
inquired of you your accomplishments? 

Miss Prune. My talents are varied. I am well versed 
in literature and consider myself a girl of wide erudi- 
tion. I can perform a little on the harp and piano. My 
voice 

Alice. Just a minute, please. I suppose you can 
dance, sing, flirt, cook, paint, etc., but can you take dicta- 
tion, answer the telephone, and attend to an office in 
general ? 

Miss Prune. Yes, ma 7 am. 

Alice. Well, then, I shall have to leave you for the 
present in charge here. I have an appointment. Now 
listen, I want it thoroughly understood that you are to 
treat all visitors with the deepest respect. Make them 
feel at home, and keep them here until I return. Now 



12 Alice's Blighted Profession 

remember my directions, please. fEXIT Alice c.d. 
Miss Prune clears table; does away with all papers) 

ENTER Mrs. Baxter c.d. 

Mrs. Baxter. Is Miss Berning in? 

Miss Prune. Oh, no, she has just gone out. But 
come right in and sit down; she will be back directly. 
(Dusts chair for Mrs. Baxter; sits opposite her; sews) 
Isn 't it warm to-day ? This morning I was down to the 
market and I am that tired. But it was w r orth it. Why 
I got the sweetest butter for 30 cents and a dandy head 
of cabbage for 4 cents ; imagine that, 4 cents. How much 
do you pay for cheese? 

Mrs. Baxter. Really — I haven't the slightest idea 
what my servant pays for it. 

Miss Prune. Well, now, isn't that too bad? Now if 
you knew, perhaps I could help you to buy it cheaper. 
Tell your servant to go down to Mulligan's market on 
Second Avenue, and you will be surprised at the results. 

Mrs. Baxter. I haven't the least doubt. Will you 
please tell Miss Berning that I called. Here's my card. 
(Walks to CD.) 

Miss Prune. But where are you going? You must 
wait until Miss Berning returns. Come now, let me take 
your hat and coat and make yourself comfortable. 
(Pushes Mrs. Baxter into chair) 

Mrs. Baxter (furious). Will you kindly tell me the 
meaning of this? I command you to open that door and 
let me pass out. 

Miss Prune. Now there, don't get excited. I have 
my orders to make visitors comfortable and I intend to 
carry them out. (Telephone rings; Miss Prune looks 
around for button) I suppose that is another visitor. 
I'll tick the button. (Pushes button on wall; loud re- 
port; both jump) 

Mrs. Baxter. Good gracious, what are you trying to 
do, kill 

Miss Prune. Oh, that 's all right ; the old bell is out 
of order. But never mind. Here, (Hands large book to 



Alice's Blighted Profession 13 

Mrs. Baxter ) make yourself comfortable while I stand 
at the door to welcome the approaching guest. (Stands 
at c.d.; looks up and down) 

Mrs. Baxter (aside). Oh Lord, she must be mad. If 
I try to escape I shudder to think of the results. (Tele- 
phone rings loud and long) 

Miss Prune. Why don't she come up, whoever she is? 
I can't go dowTL to her. (Telephone rings) Now this is 
too bad, the poor bo 

Mrs. Baxter (edging away). Perhaps if you take up 
that receiver (Points to 'phone) that ringing will cease. 

Miss Prune (crosses to 'phone). Well now, who'd 
ever have thought it was this ringing? (Through 
'phone) Hello— Hell-O— Yes— Yes— Yes. She'll be 
right back. . . . Well, in about an hour's time. ^Mrs. 
Baxter frightened) Hold the wire then until she re- 
turns. Call soon again. Good luck to you. /ENTER 
Miss WorkerJ Well, how-do-you-do? Come right in. 
Here, be seated. Let me take your hat 

Miss Worker. But I say 

Miss Prune. Now don't say a word. Make yourself 
comfortable. Are you acquainted with this woman? 
(Mrs. Baxter,) No? Oh, goodness, what is your name? 
Oh, never mind, I 've got your card. Mrs. John Baxter, 
meet — oh, what is your name? fMiss Worker ) Never- 
theless, pull your chair up closer to Mrs. Baxter and 
engage in conversation. I've got a letter to write. 

Miss Worker, This is indeed a pleasure to meet one 
who is so well known in society. I presume you are 
Mrs. Baxter, the wife of Senator Baxter? 

Mrs. Baxter (cuttingly). You are correct in your 
supposition. 

Miss Worker. Perhaps, then, you can help me in my 
work by contributing to a new home being erected for 
homeless men. 

Mrs. Baxter. Really ! I am not interested. 

Miss Worker, Surely you will not refuse money for 
such a noble cause. Why just this past winter we have 
housed 

Mrs. Baxter (yawns). I have no doubt. If you go 



14 Alice's Blighted Profession 

around to my residence, my secretary shall attend to 
you. 

Miss Worker. Oh, but how much better would it be 
to receive it direct from you. Just think of the benefits 
and blessings that God would shower down upon you 
if you gave with your own hands out of a charitable 
heart a few of your earthly goods. 

Mrs. Baxter (yawns). Really I am sure it would be 
delightful. But I have told you what to do; so do it 
or not, just as you wish. 

Miss Worker. Ah, my dear Mrs. Baxter, I cannot 

believe 

ENTER Mary c.d. 

Mary. Hello, everyone. Where's Miss Berning? 

Miss Prune. Not in at present. But make yourself 
at home. 

Mary. Don't speak to me of home. Home is only a 
figure of speech. Why who ruins the home of to-day? 
(Excited) It is man, man, man ; it is man ruining every- 
thing. Why did we have such a hard time to get the 
vote? It was because he will have to part with some 
of his ruining ways. I say, give me freedom of vote or 
give me death. 

Miss Prune. Well — well — then be — eh — make your- 
self comfortable. 

Mary. How can I be comfortable, when all around 
me I see women stretching forth their hands to us to 
help them, now that we got the vote? They work and 
slave for man and what does he do for them in return? 
Nothing. fMiss Prune and Miss Worker both jump; 
Mrs. Baxter bored) They are paid a few dollars but 
nothing more. Were we allowed to direct, to have a 
voice in the Government? No. We were good enough 
as playthings, helpmates or slaves for man, but when 
it came to anything higher we were scoffed down. Oh, 
now that we've gftt the vote we will show them. I ask 
you (To Miss Prune,) are we not man's equal in every- 
thing? 

Miss Prune. I — I — guess so. ("Mrs. Baxter amused; 
Miss Worker nervous) 



Alice's Blighted Profession 15 

Mary. Ah, you make me sick. (Shakes Miss Prune) 
Wake up! Get some spunk into you! Demand your 
rights ! Speak up ! Have some aim in life ! Don't you 
ever want to raise yourself higher, become someone who 
will be well worth knowing? 

Miss Prune. Ye — yes, ma'am. 

Mary. Well, you never will be if you act like this. 
(Turns suddenly) Oh, Mrs. Baxter, how-do-you-do? 
Why, when did you come in ? 

Mrs. Baxter. About two hours ago. 

Mary. You don't mean to tell me that you were here 
all that time and I not seeing you? Well, well, isn't that 
funny? But, by the way, Mrs. Baxter, are you still of 
the same idea regarding Woman Suffrage ? 

Mrs. Baxter. I still maintain what I have told you 
over and over again. A woman's place is in her home. 
(Yawns) To be candid, it would, indeed, bore me to 
have to vote, and broaden my mind, as you say. I have 
so many social affairs to attend I really find no time 
for your clubs. 

Mary. You are too lazy. All you are good for is 
to 

Mrs. Baxter (stamps foot). How dare you insult me 
like that. I am my own mistress, and I can do as I 
please. What do you do? You go around demanding 
your rights, while your hus 

Mary (excited). I will not have a mean, gossiping 
woman like you, who would much rather go around 
to fMiss Prune enjoying it) 

Miss Worker (comes betiveen tivo). For shame! 
(Pray erf id attitude) Oh Lord, forgive them. It would 
be better for both of you to go your own way without 
molesting one another. 

Mrs. Baxter, Yes, I intend going my way. But I 
insist upon an apology from this woman. 

Mary. Why should I apologize to you? Ah, my 
cause, my noble cause ! (Stands on chair) Three cheers 
for Woman Suffrage and may she rule from one corner 
of the earth to the other ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! 

Mrs. Baxter (opposite). Three cheers for the Antis! 



16 Alice's Blighted Profession 

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! [EXIT c.d. Miss Worker 
ENTER Alice c.d., horrified; Hiss Prune hides. 

Alice. Why, Mary and Mrs. Baxter, what does this 
mean? ^Mrs. Baxter and Mary both run to Alice ) 

Mrs. Baxter. Oh, my dear Alice, on which side are 
you ? For it or against it ? 

Mary (scornfully). Of course she is on my side. She 
has too much brains to be on yours. 

Mrs. Baxter. How dare you? Do you mean to in- 
sinuate 

Alice, Oh, come now. Stop this quarreling. To tell 
the truth, I am neutral. 

Together ("Mrs. Baxter and Mary glaring at one 
another) There. 

Alice. But, tell me, what brought you here? 

Mrs. Baxter. I just dropped in to ask you to attend 
a dinner party this evening. 

Mary. She will not go. She is coming with me. 
(Puts arm around Alice ) There's a dear. Won't you 
come to the lecture given by Dr. Weeks this evening on 
"What Woman Will Do With the Vote"? 

Alice. I'll tell you what I will do. I shall go to 
neither place. Come now, you two shake hands and be 
good friends. 

Mrs. Baxter. I will n 

Alice. For the land's sake, why keep up this pre- 
tense any longer? You know right well, Mary, that 
you are dying to know where Mrs. Baxter bought her 
new hat. ("Mrs. Baxter and Mary look at one another; 
both laugh) 

Mary. You are right, Alice. Although we rave and 
clamor for our rights, we are still only women down 
deep in our hearts. 

Mrs. Baxter. And, although I try to make people 
think I would not be bothered about Woman's Rights, 
I am still enough of a woman not to want a man to get 
anything over on me. Well, come along, Mary; I have 
a new gown to show you. 



Alice's Blighted Profession 17 

mSy Baxter ' i Good - b } re > Alice dear > wish } r ° u luck - 

[EXIT Mrs. Baxter and Mary c.d., chatting gaily 

Alice. Well, those two are beyond me. A few min- 
utes ago they were fighting like two bitter enemies, and v 
now they go off like two of the best friends. Well, 
strange things do happen. (Turns to table) Oh dear, 
what has happened to my stenographer and — oh! — oh! — 
where have my papers and letters disappeared to? 
(Spies Miss Prune in comer) So, there you are. Will 
yon kindly tell me the meaning of this? What have 
you done with my papers? 

Miss Prune. Burned them. 

Alice. You have what? Do you realize that they 
were important legal documents? (Falls in cliair; covers 
face with hand) Oh dear, oh dear, what shall I do. I 
guess I might as well give it all up. 

Miss Prune. Good! 

Alice. Why, what do you mean? 
: " Miss Prune. This. (Removes make-up) 

Alice. Diana? 

Diana. At your service, mum. 

Alice. Explain ! 

Diana. It is simply this. When I left your office 
yesterday I was bound to have you come with us by hook 
or by crook, so, very much depressed in spirits, I walked 
into the club and w T ho should I meet there but two of 
my old school-mates. Instantly I thought of this plan, 
and to bring back school-day memories they promised to 
help me. My beloved school chums were to apply for the 
position you had open and I would also. So, my dear, 
Miss Johnickstoner, the first applicant, happens to be 
Miss Marie Hopkins, daughter of the mayor of Koscoe, 
the second applicant, Miss Chickenfencer, was the most 
dare-devil girl in our school, Miss Rose Fishby, and the 
third stands before you. 

Alice. Well, of all the nerve! I must say you had 
little to do to play such a joke on me. 

Diana (arm around Alice,). There now, cheer up. 
You know you are dying to laugh and vow it was a clever 



18 Alice's Blighted Profession 

way to make yon give up this silly fad. Of course, I am 
sure of your coming now. 

Alice. Indeed. (Lauglis) Well, I must admit you 
certainly played the game high. I suppose I simply 
must give in. But, oh dear, how I shall be laughed at. 

Diana. All you have got to do is to laugh also. You 
know the old saying, ' ' Laugh and the world laughs with 
you, weep and you weep alone. ' ' 

Alice. But, Mrs. Baxter, what will she say when she 
finds this out? 

Diana (lauglis). Gh, some day I shall act for you 
the part Mrs. Baxter played in this tragedy. My, but 
her dignity was taken down a bit. 

Alice. I can imagine. 

Diana. The only thing I regret is the impression we 
gave you of stenographers. I must admit we did exag- 
gerate a little. But, you see, if we acted as real stenog- 
raphers, you would be so pleased and contented with 
your lot that you would never consent to give it up. 

Alice (sighs). But, oh, I can just picture father and 
Jack referring to this, in a burst of laughter, as * ' Alice 's 
Blighted Profession." 

(Both look at one another; laugh) 

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